OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of
Cranhill, in traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van
situated on the roof of Celtic Park.
THE EVENTS
In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, Walls etc)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
physical damage within three attempts.
FENCING
This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide
the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside kebab shops in
Drumchapel, Maryhill, Possil, Drumpchapel, Parkhead, Shettleston and Easterhouse. ...the winner shall
be the one who can leave A & E first.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages
deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event
by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore
shotgun.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed
and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his
first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding,
under-age drinking and arson.
SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised,
please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will
comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the
pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by
"Belle & Sebastian".
THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow,
especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Govan Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock
throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be
extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch
invasion by confused old firm fans.
Absolution Style by Premium phpBB Styles
