The Raid
Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 12:45 am
Although for another game, I think we can see some similarities"The Raid"
You raid with these people. You work with these people. These people are closer than your family. You should worry.
The Guild Master- He’s sacrificed his family, friends, and probably a couple of jobs to drag you through new content. When the guild isn’t performing, these decisions are in question. Prone to shooting sprees, forum flame wars, and the rapid advancement/gearing of whatever toon the guild “needsâ€. If you can keep your mouth shut, he’ll go emo and quit before you get gkicked. Still, you do like the guy. Or did. Before he went crazy. See drunks, below.
The Guild Master's Significant Other- Okay, so he was going to have to quit but he tricked his SO into playing. She loves it. She's terrible. You'll effectively 24 man every boss. Count on 4 constructs in the raid, every attempt. She plays a Belf.
The Raid Leader- When you stand in the flames, he dies a little bit inside.
The Positive officer- “That was great. Just great. You know, only 5% of guilds have even made it to Supremus, and getting him down to 67% on the second attempt is hawt.†See Stoners, below.
The Negative officer- “Jesus Christ why are there corpses under all these goddamn volcanoes? It’s Supremus for %@*@s’s sake. GET OUT OF THE GODDAMN FLAME!†See Drunks, below.
The Healing Officer- Has this job because, as the newest officer who plays a healer, he’s stuck with it.
The Power Behind the Scenes- He’s been here a long time. Like forever. He’s an officer if he even bothered to accept the position. He knows all the gossip and understands the politics. For the love of God, don’t make this guy decide that you're hurting the guild.
The Guardian Class Lead- Will tell you that it does actually require skill and preparation to play a guardian well in the end game. Lies frequently.
Stratman- Has read every strategy on the entire internet for every boss. Unable to think critically. Knows where his Talk key is. Hated by the officers. Likely to play a guardian. If this is also Chick With Accent (below), guild will probably collapse.
The Gay Guy- Affects the gay accent for effect. Upgrade decisions tend to involve lengthy discussions about gear appearance. Learned to use the dressing room function before the ‘v’ key.
The Stay At Home Mom- She’s around children all day and craves adult conversation. Babbles incessantly in vent, forgetting that adult conversation doesn’t usually begin with, “So I was talking to (insert name of 4 year old child) and he says…†May or may not be on speaking terms with spouse. Is muted on vent by 90% of the raid.
Mr. Mikeless- Has a microphone. Hears the conversation and directions. Once wiped the raid because he started talking... most folks alt-tabbed to see who the hell was speaking. May be your best player.
The Kid- So, you messed up on this guy’s interview and nobody noticed that he was 12. But, he can play. And if he gets a little bit excited when boobies are getting talked about? Hey, he’s young.
The Friend of the Kid - Applies for guild two weeks after The Kid gets in, including that The Kid is a longtime member that recommends him. Goes berzerk about any purple linked in guild chat, heaven help you if an orange shows up, regardless if his class can use it or not. Unfortunately, unlike The Kid, he cannot PvE for a damn.
The Other kid- Remember that accountant you interviewed for the Tempest of Set position? And how you wondered how he’d make time to raid during tax season? He couldn’t. His 11 year old daughter took over about that time. She’s been raiding since. Assassins… that’s an 11 year-old girl owning you night after night.
The Drunks- The core of your guild. As the raid progresses, their voices in vent are getting just ever so slightly slurred. You don’t notice because you’re trying to sound sober yourself. DPS output seems to scale positively with blood alcohol content.
The Stoners- Quietly wiping raids since the beta. They really, really, really hate having to move out of the fire. Two of them are dead under the volcanoes. They live in fear of the negative officer. They have their own channel. Try /join (insertguildname)stoners. You’ll see who’s in there. It’ll explain a lot. They’re also having more fun than everyone else combined
The Prima Donna- Requires special attention from management. Constantly whining. Plays some vital role. Might be a main tank, caster tank, or main healer. The officers really hate this guy and as soon as they can find another tank with 24,000 buffed HP, he’s out. Not a stoner.
The Chick with the Accent- Is the accent fake? Nobody knows or cares. Future visits to Australia/Britian/New Zealand/Alabama are now planned by all single raid members. The Negative officer will never, ever call her out.
The Healers - Hates healing and had to spec healing to see endgame. He would rather be doing somthing fun like DPSing but ends up being too important to ever get the gear for it. Forget it. He hates you.
The Departed Legend- You joined after he left. You suspect that he could not actually solo some endgame raid boss. But you're not totally sure.
The New Guy- Begins most sentences with, "That's not how we did it in my old guild on Korgath." Likely to remain guilded for approximately one week. You wonder if he'll be telling his next guild, "In my old guild, we ran TOWARDS the volcanoes".
Mr. We'reNotGonnaDoIt - The player that says we can't do it after four attempts. Each attempt got you 15% closer to winning, but each attempt got Mr. Glass Half-Empty 15 decibles louder in voicing their discontent of repair bills and how impossible the encounter is without certain gear/raid make-up.
The Explainer - The player that has to tell the entire raid over vent why one piece of gear that just dropped might possibly be better than another piece of gear, for 15 minutes.
Mister Lucky Bastard - This is the guy who managed to be the only representative of his class that night for whatever reason and THATS the night every boss drops his class's loot. Usually followed by a marked dropoff in raid attendance afterwards.
Perpetual Quitter - He hates his character, his class, his guild, this dungeon, the loot, the mobs, death, repair bills, everyone on vent, the game, and he was suppose to quit last week for the 5th time but mysteriously he's back online and asking if he can come along.
Just Playing to Pass the Time Guy - He's been accepted into all the hottest upcoming MMO betas and constantly blabs about how they are better than this game. Goes into long rants about game mechanics and out-dated graphics. Also see Perpetual Quitter.
Cancer Man - Has to stop every 5 minutes for a 10 minute smoke break. He's too motivated with his addiction to be a stoner and drinking would impare his ability to smoke. Constantly complains he cannot smoke indoors. Everyone thinks his real life initals are BRB.
Den Mother - Always has the crafting materials, potions, money, and other goodies you need and unselfishly gives them away because she has nothing better to do all day than to farm them. Finds raiding a bit complicated and hangs in the back with the healers watching over her flock. Never plays a melee class.
The Go To man - Knows how to break the ice with everyone. A necessary player for getting countless new members invited into groups where the situation calls for not who you are but who you know. Vital for replacing lost raid members. Often says "don't worry I think I see his alt just gimmie a sec".
The Scholar - You're not quite sure how many years they have been in college but you're positive they have a doctorate in mixology by now. Is constantly late to or skipping out on raids due to hangovers or last minute parties. Uses the quote "hey real life comes first" as a shield for not getting kicked.
Wife Aggro - If you get it, feign death or it's a wipe.
